Lost is coming back tonight. I know because I keep seeing those promos with the Lord of the Rings hobbit saying, “Where are we?” while walking through the tropical jungle on the island he’s been stranded on for the past 70 seasons.

Really? Shouldn’t he know where he is after being stuck on the same small, tropical Pacific island for 70 years?

(And yes, Lost seasons are indeed exactly 10 times longer for those of us who have to endure those of you who watch Lost.)

What those of us who don’t watch Lost don’t understand about those of you who do watch Lost is why those of you who do watch Lost watch Lost.

Sure, it was interesting at first – big plane crash on a tropical paradise with excitingly beautiful and fit people struggling against all odds for survival while building a golf course – but then airline pilots started getting eaten by large, dinosaur-type monsters which were neither shown nor explained, a wheelchair guy miraculously walked (a plane crash – what a strange way for Jesus to heal the lame) and there was something about a woman trapped in some kind of concrete bunker from the past or something and then, well, those of us who don’t watch Lost stopped watching Lost.

What we couldn’t figure out (besides anything) is why Merry, Pippin, Jack, Kate and Frodo couldn’t climb the tropical volcano to throw the Ring and the sacred 5-iron into Mt. Doom and save all of the passengers of Oceanic flight 815.

All I know about the show these days is, after 70 years, a bunch of people are still stranded on a small, tropical Pacific island, there were some Others from another part of the plane who were also stranded and everybody in first-class was served champagne as the plane was going down, given parachutes and then picked up from the island the day after the crash by a 250 ft. luxury yacht chartered by Oceanic Air.

(And the first class passengers of Oceanic Flight 815 have not had to watch a single episode of Lost. Ever. Makes me want to upgrade my seat whenever I fly.)

Also, didn’t some of passengers flying coach get off the island on a dugout canoe or somesuch because they threatened to make some noise about supporting the airline passenger bill of rights and then, when they got home, gave press conferences while attempting to sue the airline and, after losing the lawsuit, got a life sentence to be served back on the island with only a non-turn-off-able TV, DVD player and a box set of Lost, the Expanded Director’s Cut? (All electronics on the small, tropical Pacific island powered, of course, solely by the smugness of those who watch Lost.)

Oh yes, and the State of the Union given by the President of the United States of American had to be rescheduled because of the Lost season premiere. (Which actually made me glad that Lost was still on the air – the State of the Union interfering with the Lost premiere showed me that people were paying attention to something political that directly affected their lives.)

By the way, my prediction for the Lost series finale is that President Obama is going to put the small, tropical Pacific island on the no-fly list and send President Bush and President Clinton over there to secure the release of all Oceanic flight 815 passengers while President Carter builds new houses for them and Congress passes another stimulus package earmarking over $50 billion in aid for the survivors who will all decide to compete on game shows (with most choosing American Idol, So you Think You Can Dance or Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader with the lone hold-outs being John Locke, who will foolishly decide to compete on Survivor: Project Fashion Cake Design Kitchen, and Jack Shephard who, after a long night of hard drinking, will kidnap Tiger Woods and return to the island after realizing his only regret in life was never double-bogeying on the island’s golf course) and, subsequently, give a hero’s welcome to the pilot of Oceanic Flight 815 who, it turns out, was regurgitated by the dinosaur-type monster after 70 years of digestion.

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